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NOVEMBER 2004
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UNCERTAIN
By Jerry Lane

God, I知 uncertain. What do I feel? I知 torn. I知 trying to trust You, yet I worry. How will I know Your Will? How will I know Your voice? What do You want me to do? What direction do You want me to go? I知 wandering in a desert. Anxiety plagues me at times so badly that sleep escapes me. I agonize to get up in the morning. I知 uncertain.

Ironically, I received good news today, yet I知 sad because my focus is set on other things. I feel like the girl who wrote me last night who identified with one of my stories saying that sometimes she looks at her husband and kids playing together like they are someone else痴 family. I feel disconnected as well. I stare into space day after day, night after night searching for direction. I知 uncertain.

Your Word speaks much about being certain. Certain about Your love, Your grace, Your provision and Your authority over all things. But I知 confused. My mind is going in too many directions. Lord, I cry out to You for Your peace and for Your discernment and wisdom. I just wrote about Your peace. Funny I don稚 think I知 qualified to talk or write about peace. I know it痴 Your Spirit who lives in me that brings peace, but I don稚 feel it. I知 still uncertain.

Why have you brought me to this place? What is your purpose? I thought I knew but suddenly my life is turned upside down. The rejection I received from the many hours of job searching left me wondering if I am useful. I gained a new understanding of those who are out of work. Before, I thought them lazy and not really trying, but that probably isn稚 true for many of them. It痴 certainly not true for me. But, now I知 uncertain.

You say in Your Word that I知 not to lean on my own understanding, but to trust You. Will I still be uncertain? Do I just trust blindly? My emotions play with me as despair and hopelessness battle against joy and hope. Your Word in Psalms 42 encourages me. I知 downcast yet You tell me that I don稚 need to be. Praise You in this difficult and uncertain time. Isaiah says that I can hope in You and You will hold me up more than hold me up. et I知 uncertain.

You know the future and it痴 not for me to know, but to trust and take one day at a time. I致e been doing that to a point but how much longer will I need to do that? The answer, I suspect, is my whole life. That痴 a long time. I知 discouraged right now about the direction for the near future because I知 uncertain.

Some of my friends are there for me, but aren稚 here for me and I need them. Some of them that are here aren稚 really here. It痴 hard for them because I push away and then pull and they don稚 know what to do. They have lives of their own. Do I push and pull on You and therefore I知 causing all this? Am I the one who has brought me to this place in my life? Did I steamroll my life into this roller coaster? Are you mad at me? Are you punishing me? I feel alone and uncertain.

Rejection from the jobs I seek, even with those in ministry, crush my spirit. Am I of no value? What have I done wrong? Have I burned bridges? I知 in a new city and virtually unknown. Should I have stayed where I was? I致e thought about going back wondering if I moved thinking it was what You wanted but I知 uncertain.

I read that You値l never leave me nor forsake me. David wrote that he felt these same things. How long will You forget me too? The book of James says I知 to draw near to You and You will draw near to me. Have I done that? How long will You be silent? Am I just not being still enough to listen? I知 uncertain.

Those who try to encourage me make it sound so easy. All I need to do is relax and trust You. "You are in control," they say. "Trust God and He will direct you." How do I do that? What do I do? Can it be that simple? Surely I have things I need to do on my part.

Just as David cried out in the Psalms, I cry out to You. My heart yearns for Your comfort. I fear that I致e been so wrapped up in my circumstances that I致e left out You and that痴 why I知 uncertain. Am I living "under" the circumstances instead of on Your promises?

My thoughts betray me. They tell me I知 worthless, that I致e made too big a mess for You to bring me out of to be used by You. I feel stressed out, worn out and left out.

Will I always be certain of these things? Can I hold on to You such that my thoughts of doom and despair turn to peace as I trust Your unfailing love? I知 uncertain about that.

Lord, no matter what happens, if everything falls apart, if all abandon me, I know You will be there. That痴 really all I need. I just want my head and heart to agree. I know You have a direction and a plan for me and You will provide, yet I知 uncertain. I know You can miraculously work with the mess I致e made with my life, yet I知 still uncertain.

The enemy and the world want me to doubt. They want me to trust in my degrees, my education, my work experience and my personality to find my place in life. They say I shouldn稚 look to You nor accept what they would call mediocrity. I should accept a job that draws me away from Your Will because it comes with a great paycheck and high status. What should I do? Are they right? I知 uncertain.

Do you have other plans for me or is that Your plan? Things were going well before, but I was distant from You. Was I too weak? I was drawn to the status and the materialism I could buy with that opportunity. I didn稚 take advantage there to live differently, to live for You. Is that why I知 here and forlorn? My mind tries to make me uncertain about Your love. Yet I know that Your love endures forever and I am Yours. Of that, I am certain.

God, I know You are in control of all things. You love me. You are a friend who is closer than a brother. You will never leave me and you will never forsake me. Nothing can snatch me from Your Hand. Life, death, nakedness, and many other things may come my way, yet nothing can separate me from Your love. You promise me that. Of that I am certain.

As long as I stay in Your Word and rely on Your promises, then I can rest in knowing that You値l never leave me nor forsake me. I don稚 need to be afraid or discouraged. Even when I go in the wrong direction, You are there for me. You correct me and it hurts sometimes. To be honest, I really don稚 like it, but I know it痴 out of Your love. I will mess up, but You tell me that it doesn稚 make me destined to fail. You forgive me. You sent Your Son to die for me and You purchased me. I am no longer my own. I知 Yours and You take care of Your own.

I want to give my thoughts captive over to You. I want to trust in You. So, when things look badly, I can praise You for Your love has no bounds. I am secure in Your arms. I can learn to trust You. You are teaching me. You are faithful. I praise You, for Your faithfulness reaches to the skies, just as Your Word says. Of that I am certain.

2004ゥJerry Lane All Rights Reserved
Jerry Lane is currently a graduate student in clinical counseling at Amberton University. He lived in the Ozarks in Southwest Missouri and presently lives in Dallas, Texas. He began writing at the suggestion of a friend earlier this year. Faithwriters was his first outlet and remains his primary forum. He especially enjoys the weekly challenges and the critiques.

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